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September 06, 2005
I'm an Imperfect Father!
So yesterday, the Mrs. and I decided to go to an office building we have access to and get online. To preface the following, you must understand that we are currently living in a small town in West Florida and high-speed internet is a rarity. They do have DSL, but it is much more like 56K as compared to the 28K dial-up modem at the house. God, I miss the city! (That day will return before the end of the year) Still, 56K DSL sure beats 28K dialup, if you know what I mean.
I'm online, doing my Mo
nster.com job search and looking for apartments and homes in Springfield, MO. And as I am typing, I happened to drop a pen on the floor. As I reached down to get the pen, I bumped my head on the desk. I used some second-rate slang to point out my frustration to my wife who really wishes I weren't such a darned drama queen. "Oh, crap!" I muttered as I lifted my head.
And then I saw her.
My little girl, three and-a-half months old, just looking at me with those adorable eyes. Fascinated with her daddy, and all of the brilliance and sophistication that comes from "Oh, crap!"
And the thought came, She's watching you. Little eyes and ears watching and listening to every little thing you say and do. Even at three and-a-half months.
Suddenly, I became all too aware of my humanity. It was one of those moments where I surreally and horrifyingly realize, Good Lord, I'm a father!
Followed by more drama queen thoughts such as, How am I supposed to get this child to adulthood in one piece?
And then I realized, I'm going to be a great dad!
That's right. If my daughter wants a dad who is perfect and who never makes mistakes, then she was born into the wrong family. If, on the other hand, she wants a dad who will be understanding to her mistakes (and I pray I remember these words thirteen years from now if she comes home with a tattoo or belly-button ring - actually, those things will probably be obsolete when she's fourteen. It'll probably be something like a portion of skin chopped off by that time. "Hey, Dad, check out the nub where my pinky toe used to be! All the kids are doing it!"), then she came to the right place.
In the future, I'm sure those will be great moments to sit her down and say, "I'm sorry, Grace, that your daddy overreacted in a situation that wasn't really a big deal." Wow, what power of an apology. In ways like this, she learns that we all act "all too human" at times and that's okay if we own up to it. Grace's dad isn't perfect, and neither is she.
I think, even in my overreacting moments and the moments I could beat myself up, I am realizing I really have it pretty good. My daughter is lucky to have a mom and dad who are "very much human." Besides, I remember I could have said far worse things with little eyes and ears watching and listening. Things could always be worse.
But they're not. I'm an imperfect father! And my daughter is lucky to have me!
Excuse me, I've suddenly become Stuart Smalley. I don't know what came over me. Oh, crap!
13:55 Posted in Fatherhood | Permalink | Comments (3) | Email this
Comments
AMEN! Having a child definitely changes the way you think and react to things! It also makes it okay to act like a child and do silly things (things I never would have dreamed of doing) in public!!!! Being a mom is great!
Posted by: Laura | September 07, 2005
I think you are a wonderful father and a wonderful husband. We are very blessed to have you. I love you more than life itself. Thank you for giving me Grace.
Posted by: Kristin | September 07, 2005
Grace is lucky having u as her parents :) take good care of her.
Posted by: El Mehdi | September 09, 2005